DEAR READER:
i regret to inform you that my social experiment has been called to a close due to lack of originality. by no means was this lack on the part of the so-called network....come, come now... we all know that there is not one drop of originality on that "network." no my friends, the lack of originality came from yours truly.
i know, i know.
the horror, the horror.
you're probably thinking to yourself, 'self, how is this possible? she's such a witty girl. i've had to start wearing depends when i read this blog at my office desk.'
i know, i know.
believe me, i am so sorry to disappoint.
aside from not being sure if my insurance would cover the partial lobotomy i would certainly need to purge all those awful and trite images from my mind, tragically, in conducting my social experiment with BET, i realized that Huey Freeman, from the Boondocks, had already beat me to it.
i totally forgot about the feud between MacGruder and the BET execs over his oh-so-accurate portrayal of the network.
hmph and damn.
i guess it's all for the best. after back to back episodes of judge hatchet, i couldn't cope anyway. lord help me if i tuned in to the evening programming!!!
(though i must admit, frankie cole fascinates me. MAN DOWN!!)
she's like a grown up version of a Flavor of Love girl gone completely wrong. i love it.....but only in small doses.
there is good news my darlings....
i did have an epiphany today on my way back from vacay. as i flipped through the pages of some gossip rag i picked up at the news stand at union station, i realized how many celebs were unfaithful in 2008. i also started to think of how many of my friends and colleagues shared similar heartache and heartbreak with me about their personal situations last year.
it made me curious....
when i got home, i looked into what year on the chinese zodiac last year was, and sure enough, it was the year of the rat!
no wonder so much ill shit went down last year....everyone was acting like a rat bastard.
often times, chicks will say their dude is a dog or dudes will say their chick is a bitch. i can't remember the comedian that said it, but that isn't an insult. dogs are loyal.
no, it is far worse to be in a relationship with a rat, as so many people learned publicly this year. rats, unlike dogs are not loyal. rats are only out for self and only out to fulfill their wants and needs.
(sidebar: i saw a rat crawling behind a trash can in the village a week or so ago and thought i was never going to stop screaming. mice are bad enough. at least they could pass for a pet, but rats?!)
so in addition to being selfish muthaphuckas, rats are nasty and gross looking too. but it all made sense to me that the zodiac was affecting people's moods and behaviors so severely. i read my horoscope daily and am often found typing the zodiacs of others and sending them out via text. i like to see how accurate them things pan out to be.
i had no idea how much the very year could affect the planet on the whole and have people out acting a goddamned fool!
think of how many relationships crumbled publicly.
(i'm talking to you swizz beats....damn is it really that good miss keys that you had to become a homewrecker to get it? eeww.. personally, i can't imagine wanting to steal the bastard child of gonzo and skeletor from his wife. the thought of him making an "ohhh face" actually made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. who'd've thunk it? alicia keys as somebody's OW-Other Woman....damn!)
think of how many companies broke down and hustled each other out of everything they had.
(every single last one of you'd better check your 401K to make sure that it didn't go to pay for someone's booty call trip to aspen.)
think of how many people are losing jobs, houses, money, a basic and decent quality of life 'cause of some shit that popped off last year.
think of how pissed off you spent the bulk of 2008 'cause of something someone else did.
this year, the year of the ox, is when everybody needs to dig their heels in and say they aren't gonna take this shit anymore.
i feel like staging my own version of that scene from the movie network. you know the one i'm talking about, right? where that old dude stands up and says on national television
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
we all should be mad as hell. every last one of us who was somehow affected by a rat bastard should be mad as hell and channel your inner ox.
anyone who somehow got screwed in the year of the rat, even if it is something small and petty like your barista CONSTANTLY making your nonfat tall latte wrong every single day.
open your window lean out and say
"FUCK THIS SHIT! I'M MAD AS HELL AND I AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!"
or, we could just declare martial law and start beating the shit out of anyone who has been fool enough to live a wrong life.
imagine.....that snippy bitch at the hostess stand and all snippy bitches at hostess stands around the world would get pummeled with one of those goddamned pager things that let you know when a table finally becomes available.
or better yet, store clerks at club monaco who wanna act like they're working at the fucking prada store and be bitchy for no reason other than because they work in a monochromatic environment...those mu'phuckas should get strung up by the costume jewelry and turned into hideous chandeliers.
or how about all the exes who really thought they were the shit with their wack-a-do lies that you only believed 'cause it was easier than fighting?
how about someone give every 2008 year of the rat bastard cheater a thwack in the shins with one of those collapsable metal police batons....then make them date the hostess bitches.
anyone who was wronged in 2008 should be able to march up to the rat that fucked them over, and launch into a screaming tirade in their face to which the rat may not respond, but must sit there and endure it. upon finishing the screamed speech. the rat will be given a pair of rat ears that they must wear as they walk around the world. not like the cute shit you get at disney world. these have to be gray and hairy and dingy and smell like piss. something must be done to punish those who took the chinese horoscope to literally.
those donning the hats are allowed to be pummeled with no notice. they have to wear the hat for one month for every person they fucked over. guess what big bankers, you'll be wearing those hats FOREVER.
i think that sounds fair. were i a rat fuck i certainly would be motivated to live a better life after having to smell like piss for a month. how funny would that be to see the media darlings on the red carpet with their elegant suits and gowns and their nasty, hairy rat ears?
lisa rina and joey fatone would approach celeb x on the red carpet. celeb x is of course thinking that they are going to be asked what they're wearing and if they're excited blahblahblah. then joey whips out the baton and tonya harding's the celeb.
on camera.
then they move on to the next rat bastard.
that shit would be so fucking awesome.....words can not explain.
so if you were somehow hurt or wounded by someone in 2008, let the world know that you are not going to take any shit from the son of a motherless whore ever again. stick those ears on the fucker and let the insults rip until you don't hurt anymore.
just don't come for me. i may be an evil bitch, but i am not, nor will i ever be, a rat.
PS I hit hard.
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