If I only lost my brain...

RADAR, one of my favorite magazines folded, again, and since i had already paid up my subscription, their publisher felt like a good substitute was to send me STAR magazine for the remainder of my subscription.

have ya'll ever read STAR? 

it has become a glossy magazine in recent years, but once upon a time, it was a big oversized color newspaper-like publication with some of those stories about alien babies and watermelons that look like the virgin mary. 

but have y'all read it lately.  when it comes in, i feel like i should hide it because just reading it makes my vocabulary suddenly feel stunted. like, for real....looking at the pages of that magazine, 'cause you can't really read something that has everything in title font, makes me feel like I should be riding on the short bus. 

in spite of this, it seems like the photos splashed across the pages are all anyone can seem to talk about.  I found myself today trying to discuss Obama's stance on educational reform, and someone felt like it was more interesting to chat about the surprise season finale of the bachelor where Jason proposed to one girl but really loves the other girl.... "and OMG, we were gonna find out on the top secret reunion special, but they totally leaked the info before hand..." 

I realized then that I was too smart for much of the world.  Soooooo, I have decided to actively lobotomize myself through reality tv and tabloid magazines.

I need to expand my reality tv horizons!

Donna Summer's #1 Fan told me that on the season opener of Keeping Up w/the Kardashians, Kim was taking pictures of herself en route to taking her sister, Khloe, to jail. 

(insert confused Scooby Doo sound here)

see...I had no idea it was going down like that on E! i miss out on all the good shit.  thank g-d for my dvr.  i will never miss another glorious moment of the Jenner-Kardashian clan's tomfoolery.

back to STAR magazine.....

why is everyone still so concerned about lindsay lohan?  what's the big effin' deal about her 

anyway?  honestly, who cares? 

so what she's back on drugs and drinking again... apparently, she's been photographed with traces of a white substance lining the rim of her nostrils and she tried to say it was lint.  shorty, just be real and admit what you're up to....or at the very least come up with a better cover story.  

boogers, maybe? everybody's had one of those lone boogers that has dangled embarrassingly and drawn the attention of someone you really didn't want to see it.  

don't front for me, you know it's happened to you.

who gives a shit that she's gay for play and letting saMAN..that...ronson slobber on her pink taco?

why does any of this matter in the face of all that is going wrong in our society?

why is everyone acting surprised that LiLo is out of control again?

what else could she do to stay relevant? star in another movie that she slows up the production on before it tanks? get bent in a club with her mom? 

(I swear I'd make a killing if I created the Gypsy Rose School of Momagers: How to Stagemom With Style, Finesse, Class, and an Iron Fist. Some of the bitches really forget that to be a Momager, you have to first be a Mom, and not your lil'shawty's bff....)

shouldn't she be in vh1's charm school or some shit?

whatever happened to that reality show that The Donald was supposed to be putting together with LaLohan, Amy Crackhouse and pre-comeback-Britney?  Can we put forth a motion for Lily Allen to take her place? ooooh no....Kate Motherfucking Moss!

I'd love to watch them go at it over who gets the last 8ball or figure out who's turn it is to take out all the liquor bottles in the trash. Chile, the trashy ass bar scum they'd bring home after banging in the alley would so be like outtakes of the HBO biopic GIA (Loved Angelina in that before she became the white incarnation of Josephine Baker.)

PS Samantha Ronson is not fucking hot.  

In fact, she is the complete antithesis of hot.  She is sooo unhot, I wouldn't let her eat me with YOUR pussy, a tongue vibrator while stoned and drunk out of my skull and if her saliva had the antibodies I needed to live forever and cure AIDS and cancer.

we're supposed to take solace in the fact that this lesbo's coat rack of a "lover" (wink wink) is not wasting her$$$ on drugs, but rather that people are gifting her the cocaine. 'cause that's what real friends do.  

friends don't let friends pay for drugs.  

who the fuck can afford to sponsor someone else's habit in this fucked up ass economy we're living in? can they hook a sister up? 

NO FOOL!

I do not toot that powder...I'm always trying to get my side hustle on.  I'd take all that free coke and flip that shit so quick, you'd swear I was a gymnast!

Donna Summer's #1 Fan claims that a)"that mess is pricey" and times are too hard for anyone to buy coke so I wouldn't make much from it and b) that's why people smoke crack.

to that I say: I've got baking powder, what's good?

RuPaul is more of a lady than you.

i have a question for you, my darlings.....

why has no one shared with me the fagtastic mess that is RuPaul's Drag Race?

someone is going to yank my hag card for being so late on the take with this one.  

i...am...soooooo......addicted.....to....this.

i watch it on logo.  

i watch the repeats on vh 1.  

i tivo the episodes to steal new homoslang to drop on those around me. 

i watch the behind the scenes stuff on the logo website.

honey........I want an excuse to lip sync for my life and tell someone "shante, you stay," and to tell someone else "sashay, away..."

i am soooo glad to live in an era of history in which a big, bold, Drag Queen like RuPaul can hold a contest on television for whomever will take over as the next big bold man in a dress.

these divas are FIERCE!!!!!! truly, truly FIERCE....i want them all to be my aunties.

the skanks of top model have NOTHING on these dragons.  

while Ru honestly is trying to shape these shemales into being the most polished cross dressing performer and gives them true pointers and lessons to become better, ty baby's show serves only as a platform to keep what she used to do in the 90's relevant.....and she's soooo not.

maybe it's 'cause Lady Ru looks better in couture than the former model.   his body is GORGEOUS!!! i can't get over how fly he is in his gowns and in his ultra slim european suits.  I LIVE!!!

i deeply appreciate that he discovered that you can use that cybil shepard-moonlighting soft focus on regular tv which helps him....excuse me, her look so much more flawless than tyty does with all her baby hair and lace fronts. i wonder if they sell that soft focus the same place where Mariah Carey buys her traveling photoshop kit. hmmmmmm......

let's play a drinking game the next time top model is on.  every time that hefty hottie corrects the girls aspiring to her level of greatness by demonstrating how to smile with her eyes or the level at which to tilt one's chin to look sexy and not like a hoochie, you must imbibe.  

Ru can take 10 years off from performing and still come back and have my rapt attention. Tyra's chunky chest can be all over the tabloids for months proclaiming how content she is with her curves and i could care less.  she's got those turkey wing auntie arms people!!! 

perhaps i hold her in such disdain because it seems as though all of her programs are intended only to tout her own abilities while she pretends to create careers for the young ladies she exploits for network gain. Ru takes a marginalized group and empowers them through his tutelage and sass. the newfound popularity with another generation is a byproduct of the greater good he is creating.

skinny bitches have never been a marginalized group, except when at bar-b-ques and eating contests.

if Ms. Banks really wanted to make a difference in this world, beyond the ever important task of interviewing the "cast" of the 3rd season of the bad girls' club, she could begin to design her own line of clothing for women with real curves.  not fat bitches like the one in my last post, just women whose sizes range beyond that which can be counted on one hand.

maybe she doesn't want to run into her bff Kimora's lane, but honestly, is anyone really checking for baby phat in 2009?  i read in the paper that she was scaling back her fashion week show and inviting only buyers as opposed to all of her friends and celebs that usually come to the show. according to the article, ms. lee simmons decided that her show was not going to be the extravaganza that is has been in the past due to the economic crisis our country is facing...

really?  the baby phat show is an extravaganza? someone REALLY needs to get out more.

she should embrace the body she's been fighting for so long and help others to do the same. THAT would be an act worthy me ceasing to compare her legs to Beyonce's fat knees.

or,  she could just date Ray J....it kept Whitney interesting for a while.

Reality???

So I had an idea:
If TI is really serious about his community service, as advertised on MTV, why doesn't he pull a captain-save-em and swoop in to create Whore Job Corps?

He could scoop up all them chicks from the I heart whomever or whatever shows and get them a mentor, some career training, and therapy...a lot of it.

Maybe he could set up a partnership with a nursing home, so them broads could have an old dude in their lives that they can't trick on, can't bone them and who has knowledge and wisdom to drop on their silly asses. Not to mention do all those Daddy-esque things like tell them they are precious and valuable and too good to spread their snatch on a reality tv show for shortlived love.

(Other than the Bachelor, does anyone have a happily ever after off of these shits?)

Have you watched the trainwreck that is "For the love of Ray J?" When the fuck did he go platinum, as he advertised in his opening credits? And when was he an actor? Dude, appearing on Moesha does NOT make you an actor.

DEAR READER: I am a reality tv junkie. Mostly 'cause I need brain big macs now and then. But mostly its 'cause I want to have a front row seat at the decline of society so that the philanthropist in me can try my hardest to fix it before it completely dies.

So umm.... Yeah. Ray J's show is particularly disturbing because he's really a regular dude, but doesn't realize it. Like he really thinks he a celebrity. Dude, the only reason anyone was checking for you is 'cause no one believed you'd really fucked Kim Kardashian.

"Hey wait a minute...ain't that Brandy's lil' brother?"

[That song was your only banger and it was the beat and Lil'Kim (before she ruined her face) that made it hot. Not you. Honestly, the track couldv'e been any other washed up R&B dude.Montell Jordan, I'm talking to you.]

I hope Reggie Bush has better luck after tapping Kardashian. If the Saints ever let him back on the field.

But this isn't about him. It's about these damn girls.

Do the producers recruit from orphanages and halfway houses, dragging barely legal chicks from the weave shops, bars, and bail bondsmen's offices to live the short-lived good life?

Think of all the good that could come to our society if someone, (Oprah I hope your fat ass is listening-that school in Africa didn't really work out as planned hunh?) reached out to help these broken dolls...and not on some Charm School or G's to Gents bullshit either.

(Not for nothin' but don't them dudes need fathers too?)

Think about it. Damn unicef. Damn all these celebs going overseas to adopt lil colored babies.

FOR REAL.

You know Angelina could use a few extra hands helping her take care of the babies. Wouldn't Leilene from Flavor of Love, Charm School, and I Love Money be perfect? She's got kids of her own too so Brangelina would actually be getting 4 brown bodies for the price of sponsoring one whore.

Let's find out who the next Octopussy...oops Octomom, is going to be and give her one of these reality show castoffs to take care of, love and cherish before she pays to get fetilized with more babies. Sponsoring one of these tragedies of American society is waaaaay cheaper than in vitro, and with none of the yucky side effects of pregnancy like afterbirth and stretch marks.

Or we could loan one to Salma Hayek since she wants to nurse lil' African babies while on ambassador missions. She could look really benevolent as she traipses through Anyghetto USA with her brand new Rock of Love girl learning of the hardships of growing up in a trailer. The ratings would be through the roof if she started to breastfeed her new adult daughter.

Being a catalyst of change starts in your own backyard. What are you doing to help with the castaway reality chicks?

Let's all man up and give a damn. Show how much you care.

Have you hugged a fatherless fucker today?