RADAR, one of my favorite magazines folded, again, and since i had already paid up my subscription, their publisher felt like a good substitute was to send me STAR magazine for the remainder of my subscription.
have ya'll ever read STAR?
it has become a glossy magazine in recent years, but once upon a time, it was a big oversized color newspaper-like publication with some of those stories about alien babies and watermelons that look like the virgin mary.
but have y'all read it lately. when it comes in, i feel like i should hide it because just reading it makes my vocabulary suddenly feel stunted. like, for real....looking at the pages of that magazine, 'cause you can't really read something that has everything in title font, makes me feel like I should be riding on the short bus.
in spite of this, it seems like the photos splashed across the pages are all anyone can seem to talk about. I found myself today trying to discuss Obama's stance on educational reform, and someone felt like it was more interesting to chat about the surprise season finale of the bachelor where Jason proposed to one girl but really loves the other girl.... "and OMG, we were gonna find out on the top secret reunion special, but they totally leaked the info before hand..."
I realized then that I was too smart for much of the world. Soooooo, I have decided to actively lobotomize myself through reality tv and tabloid magazines.
Donna Summer's #1 Fan told me that on the season opener of Keeping Up w/the Kardashians, Kim was taking pictures of herself en route to taking her sister, Khloe, to jail.
(insert confused Scooby Doo sound here)
see...I had no idea it was going down like that on E! i miss out on all the good shit. thank g-d for my dvr. i will never miss another glorious moment of the Jenner-Kardashian clan's tomfoolery.
back to STAR magazine.....
why is everyone still so concerned about lindsay lohan? what's the big effin' deal about her
anyway? honestly, who cares?
so what she's back on drugs and drinking again... apparently, she's been photographed with traces of a white substance lining the rim of her nostrils and she tried to say it was lint. shorty, just be real and admit what you're up to....or at the very least come up with a better cover story.
boogers, maybe? everybody's had one of those lone boogers that has dangled embarrassingly and drawn the attention of someone you really didn't want to see it.
don't front for me, you know it's happened to you.
who gives a shit that she's gay for play and letting saMAN..that...ronson slobber on her pink taco?
why does any of this matter in the face of all that is going wrong in our society?
why is everyone acting surprised that LiLo is out of control again?
what else could she do to stay relevant? star in another movie that she slows up the production on before it tanks? get bent in a club with her mom?
(I swear I'd make a killing if I created the Gypsy Rose School of Momagers: How to Stagemom With Style, Finesse, Class, and an Iron Fist. Some of the bitches really forget that to be a Momager, you have to first be a Mom, and not your lil'shawty's bff....)
shouldn't she be in vh1's charm school or some shit?
whatever happened to that reality show that The Donald was supposed to be putting together with LaLohan, Amy Crackhouse and pre-comeback-Britney? Can we put forth a motion for Lily Allen to take her place? ooooh no....Kate Motherfucking Moss!
I'd love to watch them go at it over who gets the last 8ball or figure out who's turn it is to take out all the liquor bottles in the trash. Chile, the trashy ass bar scum they'd bring home after banging in the alley would so be like outtakes of the HBO biopic GIA (Loved Angelina in that before she became the white incarnation of Josephine Baker.)
PS Samantha Ronson is not fucking hot.
In fact, she is the complete antithesis of hot. She is sooo unhot, I wouldn't let her eat me with YOUR pussy, a tongue vibrator while stoned and drunk out of my skull and if her saliva had the antibodies I needed to live forever and cure AIDS and cancer.
we're supposed to take solace in the fact that this lesbo's coat rack of a "lover" (wink wink) is not wasting her$$$ on drugs, but rather that people are gifting her the cocaine. 'cause that's what real friends do.
friends don't let friends pay for drugs.
who the fuck can afford to sponsor someone else's habit in this fucked up ass economy we're living in? can they hook a sister up?
NO FOOL!
I do not toot that powder...I'm always trying to get my side hustle on. I'd take all that free coke and flip that shit so quick, you'd swear I was a gymnast!
Donna Summer's #1 Fan claims that a)"that mess is pricey" and times are too hard for anyone to buy coke so I wouldn't make much from it and b) that's why people smoke crack.
to that I say: I've got baking powder, what's good?
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