Sooooo its not really a secret that I have been doing that Beyonce dance a lot lately....you know, the single ladies' move? not 'cause I think it's pure hotness....not 'cause i'm out here living la vida loca for delf. that's right boys and girls...your homie is officially single. i know....i know....cry me a river. my attempts to knock will and jada out of the top slot for everyone's favorite black couple have been foiled. but have no fear, I will not allow any additional distractions to keep me from those who truly love and adore me....y'all mo'fos.
so, since I've been doing that damndamndamn dance, i've had to step my shoe game up a pinch. don't get me wrong. mami's shoe game has always been a little mean, even if on a budget. recently, though, I've had to up it to NASTY proportions. I'm on some Carrie Bradshaw shit these days. I may live in the hood, but this hood bitch got her ass a shoe closet AND enough room for all my clothes so nah!!.
As I've been spending more and more time getting pedis, waxing, and buying anything that makes my long tanned and toned gams look like I should have them in somebody's coppertone ad or using them to hail a cab or a knight in shining armor or something, I've begun to realize how much I totally adore my shoes. Like, when I was with dude, I liked shoes, but now that he's out, I LOVE my shoes and part of that comes from the fact that shoes are better than a significant other. I came to this conclusion recently after speaking with the homie Odieceus about an outing he recently had with a pair of fresh kicks. He compared the attention he received from his foot couture to walking down the street with a bad chick.
I'm gonna have to agree with him on that one. The difference between walking with a bad chick/dude and wearing some hot kicks is that YOU become the bad chick or bad dude when your footwear is FLAWLESS. Everyone is checking for you and wondering what other visusal delicacies you may have in store for them back at the crib instead of trying to figure out how to bag your arm candy.
I have a pair that make me feel like I am She-Diddy 'cause in them, I am unstoppable.
I bullshit you not.
I got another pair....when I throw them on, there is no stopping me. Miss Jay and Tyra could take notes on the walk I serve. and the boys looooooove them.
I keep it gully too. I don't just give you girl. I've upped the anty in my dunks/sneaks game a little too. Not too much, 'cause I'm honestly not trying to be too butch, but I got a few e'sclusives hidden away. lol
It is because of this epiphany that I have decided to list the reasons that shoes are better than significant others.
Ahem.....
REASON #1: Shoes last longer than most relationships.
Unless you're shopping hard at Family Dollar for your footwear, this is sad, but true. I had a bf in high school who bought me a pair of boots. It was such a big deal and I thought we were going to last forever. It was the most expensive (and only) present a boy ever bought for me and he made me so happy every time I wore them. I still have the boots. Him? not so much....
REASON #2: Cute shoes may increase your property value.
You ever woke up next to someone and had one of those moments like in Knocked Up where Seth Rogan looks at Katherine Hiegel and says "You are sooo much hotter than me?" Chances are, your gear was fly the day (or drunken night as the case may be) when you bagged your shorty. I don't speak from experience here....(after all, I'm always the hotter one) but I have heard from some of my less hot friends that they looked dope so they felt dope. When you feel extra fly, it ups your (I SOOOO DON'T WANNA USE THIS WORD) swagger (threw up a little...sorry) and draws other fly people to you like flies to a bug lamp. Fix up look sharp homie.
REASON #3: If they hurt, you can take them off.
Shoes are an awesome article of clothing/accessory because they are intended to compliment whatever it is you have on. When and if your shoes start to hurt your mootsie tootsies, you can always take them off and chuck them into the closet. Or if you're me, remove them carefully, place them in the labeled clear shoe box where they belong and keep them sorted by color and heel height. If only there was a closet where I could have removed him from my life and stuffed him in until I felt like I could handle him again. Seriously...anyone got one?
REASON #4: If they hurt, you can always upgrade.
I read recently that women don't cheat, they upgrade. Heeeeey!!! When my cheap flip flops hurt, I put on my more expensive and flier shoes. When a bum dude starts to be too much work, throw on your fuck me pumps, hit the town, and let your shoes upgrade you to a better caliber of life.
I was told with my new shoe game and my single status, I can start dating dudes in a higher tax bracket. Six figures here I come!!!!! teeeheee I kid...I kid....but actually.....
OOH OOH WAIT!!!
Public Service Announcement
Please do not shell out big $$$$ or any for that matter on some fly shoes if you are not taking care of your feet. It's more than just getting the pedis folks.
Get thee to a podiatrist and get the bunions, hammer toes and irregular foot issues resolved before you squeeze your fat steak foot into something meant for a little Asian lady's foot and make me throw up from watching your heel fat ooze out the back of your sling backs and your toes looking like Siamese twins connected at the brain.
That's not gangsta.
If you can afford the shoes, afford the work that goes into making sure your feet are looking right in them. Otherwise, don't buy them. It's a sign of good breeding and class to take care of your feet and your teeth so pick that extra long second toe up of the ground when it hangs over the front of your platforms and go get you some Crest Whitestrips.
